Author: Lauren Francis

Series: DS9

Codes: Jake/Ezri

Rating: PG

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Ezri Dax set down her note-padd, glancing down into the boisterous room from her secluded corner table on the second floor. Quark's was certainly busy tonight. She smiled as she caught sight of the little Ferengi. Quark was engaged in a heated argument with Morn. Probably about his bar tab. Julian and Miles were starting yet another dart match and Kira and Odo were engaged in a private discussion in the corner. They all seemed to be making the most of a break in the fighting; it was good to see them all enjoying themselves. Responsible, almost motherly, feelings washed over her. Dax blinked and creased her brow. Audrid's memories must be influencing her again; they certainly weren't from Ezri's rather slight experience. She shrugged. She was slowly getting used to strange thoughts popping into her head as if out of nowhere. It was no use trying to shut them out; they came and went as they pleased. Memory control was just one more of the skills that she would have to learn on her own.

Yawning, she stretched out her legs and returned to the padd, calling up the next personnel record. Ensign Korali. Ah, yes. He was the young engineer who was having trouble adapting to his newly budded triplets. He had been in Dax' office three times this week, desperate for some peace and quiet. She had prescribed an hour a day in the holodeck. Dax entered in a line of data into her padd then paused to take another gulp of heavily sweetened raktijino, grimacing slightly at the taste. She had grown addicted the beverage during the frequent late nights spent studying personnel history records. Sometimes it was the only thing that kept her awake. She had to admit that she felt exhausted and ancient. Smiling wryly, she paused and tried to figure out exactly how old she was. Three hundred and…

Dax's smile faded as a familiar Klingon figure strode into the bar. She hastily looked away and felt her body temperature soar. Even after months of working together on the station, she still felt uncomfortable around Worf. It wasn't right that he should treat her like a virtual stranger. He had been her husband. To hell with the taboos. He was hers. She could still feel the fierce whisper of his breath in her ear, the sting of his teeth on her throat. She unconsciously touched her neck then remembered that it wasn't her body that he had loved. It had been Jadzia's. She stared at the shape of her hand and could almost see Jadzia's long, supple fingers superimposed over her own small ones. She suddenly felt uneasy in this little Ezri body, almost unwelcome.

"Excuse me," a tenor voice interrupted her disturbing thoughts. She squinted up into the sunny face of Jake Sisko. "May I join you?"

"Oh!… Um, please do."

Jake grinned and folded his legs to fit under the low table. He ordered a synthale from a passing Ferengi waiter then turned to her, looking a little uncomfortable.

"So, how is the job going?" he asked.

She shook the padd then tossed it onto the table. "Sometimes I wonder what I've gotten myself into. I don't seem to be having any luck convincing hardened, self-sufficient soldiers that they need to open up and talk about their feelings."

"You do look a little tired."

"That's what Julian and Ben decided. I'm being sent on involuntary R&R tomorrow morning." She sighed and stretched her arms behind her head. "Actually, the more I think about it, the better it sounds. It might be nice to have some peace and quite for a change."

"That's too bad. I mean, I was hoping that we would have a chance to talk."

"About what, Jake? Do you have a problem that you want to discuss?" She struggled to clear her mind and focus her entire attention on the potential patient in front her.

Jake flushed. "No, not at all. I was... er... thinking of writing an article on Trill Joinings and I wanted to know if I could… interview you. You know, for research."

Dax laughed uneasily. "I wouldn't call my Joining a text-book case. I'm not exactly a prime example."

"You're the only Trill I know. But if it'll make you feel uncomfortable…"

"No, no. It's okay." Best to get it over with as soon as possible. "Shall we start now?"

Jake paused, surprised. "Now? Here?"

"Might as well. I won't be back from Bajor for a few days." She grinned, "Besides, something tells me that you probably have a note-padd hidden somewhere."

"Guilty as charged," Jake held up his hands in mock surrender, then produced the padd from one of his vest pockets. "A good reporter is always prepared."

"So, what do you want to know?" Dax asked.

"How exactly did it happen?"

Dax smirked. "Jake, you were in the room when I told your father all about it."

"I want to hear it again. For the record."

"The Dax symbiont went into distress while en route to the Trill home world and I was the only Trill on board the Destiny."

"I can't believe what luck you have. I've heard that Trill initiates have to go through years of training just to be considered. Talk about being in the right place at the right time!"

She shrugged. "Yeah, lucky me."

Jake's eyes narrowed. "Aren't you happy that you got the symbiont?"

Dax cleared her throat and replied with her customary answer to that question. "It's a great honor to be joined."

If Jake noticed that she was trying to be evasive, he didn't call her on it.

"So, how many hosts have you had?" asked Jake, entering data into the padd.

"Let's see, first was Lela," she ticked of a name for each of her fingers. "Then Emony, Audrid, Torias, oh! I almost forgot Tobin! I'm always forgetting him. He's in there between Lela and Emony." Dax paused, holding up a thumb. "Where was I?"

"Torias," Jake reminded, smiling.

"Oh yeah. Torias, Joran, Curzon, Verad was only joined for a few hours, so I'm not sure he really counts, Jadzia..." she paused at her little finger.

"And Ezri," Jake finished for her.

Dax smiled at him and, a little embarrassed, took another sip of her now cold drink.

"Hey, I thought you didn't like raktajino," Jake teased.

She wrinkled her nose and made a face. "I don't, but I've given up fighting Curzon and Jadzia's instincts, at least in this case."

Jake nodded. "Late nights. I know what you mean."

Late nights… those were what she dreaded. She did her best to fill the empty hours with work, but sometimes there was no getting around the fact that she was alone in her quarters. Ezri had always been an outgoing individual; it was her ease and comfort with people that had steered her towards a mental health profession and Jadzia had been so loved and admired that she never had to spend a moment alone unless she chose to. Dax's former selves needed to be around others; it was still part of who she was and now she felt severed from that lifeline. To be connected, to matter to others; sometimes she longed for the touch of another sentient being. Memories of Worf flitted across her mind.

"Ezri?"

Dax roused herself, a blush rising to her cheeks. "Oh! I'm sorry Jake! I was just thinking."

Jake put an elbow on the table and rested his chin in his hand, leaning forward. "What were you thinking of?"

"Hmm? Oh, nothing in particular." If she didn't know better, she would have thought that Jake was trying to flirt with her. What a ridiculous idea! Dax was old enough to be his great, great, great... well, she couldn't think of how many 'greats' that would be, but it was certainly a lot.

"So, what was it like at the beginning?"

Dax rubbed her chin and tried to think of those first few weeks that she would rather have forgotten. "I remember that I kept dropping things and tripping at first. I was used to being almost a foot taller! I was constantly misjudging distances and heights." She rolled her eyes, trying to make it all sound like a joke. Jake didn't laugh.

Suddenly, the alcove felt very small and hot. Jake's dark, questioning eyes filled her senses. Dax's stomach roiled uncomfortably. "Did you just feel the station move?"

"You can trust me, Ezri. As a friend. Tell me what really happened."

"Hey, I'm supposed to be the counselor here," she tried to joke, but it fell flat. She stared at him for a few moments, then, as if of their own volition, her lips parted and a few quiet words slipped out. "The last thing that I remember was being ordered to report to the infirmary." As she spoke, the faint lisp in her voice grew more pronounced. "A symbiont's welfare always comes first."

"Didn't they even ask you? That's barbaric!" Jake gaped.

"Jake," she cleared her throat and tried to speak more clearly. "I'm a Trill. The life of a symbiont is all-important. I had no other choice."

Jake sat and stared at her in silence, as if he didn't know how to respond. He had put the padd down long ago. Ezri was silent, feeling that she had already said too much. This wasn't Jake's problem. Why should he care? She watched as emotions flickered across his face: discomfort, disbelief, pity.

"Did it hurt?" he finally asked.

Traditionally, joinings were done with minimal anesthetic to prevent injury to the symbiont. Most hosts-to-be were in such anticipatory euphoria that they didn't mind the discomfort. She could still remember the laser-scalpel ripping her abdomen.

"Yes."

"Oh, Ezri."

She had never dared voice these words aloud, much less to another person. She had vowed that she would never tell anyone how really difficult it had been. Jake's brown eyes were so sympathetic and concerned; the empathy in his face loosened her resolve.

The dam broken, words began to tumble out. "I felt as if I were drowning. All these strange memories flooded over me. I just wasn't equipped to handle the change. It was the most frightening thing that I've ever experienced." Her voice broke. "It took me three days to remember that I was Ezri."

She told him of the humiliation of having to bear the obvious dissatisfaction of the Trill selection committee. What a shame; the great Dax symbiont hosted in this inadequate nobody. But it was too late. They were stuck with her.

She told him how she struggled every day to control her actions and emotions. A weak moment and she would find herself weeping for no reason.

Above all loomed the isolation. It was clear that she would never be welcomed into the brotherhood of joined Trills; those who had had to give up the majority of their youth to become worthy of hosting a symbiont resented her. And worse, her former friends and family began to pull away from her. They just couldn't understand that she was now someone else, someone new. She spoke until the tears flowed freely.

"I'm so sorry I've been rambling on. I don't know what came over me." She guiltily looked at him, sure he would be uncomfortable or bored.

He was just the opposite, his concerned gaze focused intently on her. "Sounds like you needed to talk." Jake gave her hand a little squeeze. "If it makes you feel any better, I think I can understand a little of what you've gone through."

Dax rubbed her damp eyes with the palm of her hand. How could he possibly understand?

"Another entity inside you, making you do things that you don't want to? Changing who you are?"

Dax bit her lip and felt her self-pity drain away. How selfish she was! She had forgotten about Jake's encounter with the Pagh Wraith who had taken over his body and threatened to destroy the station. The possession had only lasted a few hours, but Jake had almost not survived. Her mind clicked over to her empathetic counselor mode. It must have been terrible for him. Poor Jake.

"But the Dax symbiont is not evil," she soothed, scooting her chair closer to his and draping a comforting arm around his shoulders. "I'm afraid that you suffered more than I have."

Jake shook himself. "Not at all. The Pagh Wraith was not… evil. It was just different." "Well, it seems that we have a lot in common." She covered his long brown fingers with her own, then said, almost as much for herself as for him, "Please don't worry about me. I'm getting used to having nine lifetimes of memories. I don't think that I would go back now, even if I could."

They sat together in sympathetic stillness for what seemed a very long time.

Jake was the first to break the silence. He kept his eyes focused on the middle of the table. "I'm really sorry for all that you have gone through, Ezri, but I'm not sorry that you're here. If everything had gone according to plans, Dax would be in another part of the quadrant. As things turned out, you are back where you belong, among… friends."

Jake turned to look at her and she suddenly realized how close he was. His eyes were alive with something new, something she had never before seen in his expression. Alarms went off in her head. Her previous hosts had noticed that look often enough for her to recognize what it meant.

Admiration. Longing. Desire.

But was it for Ezri... or Jadzia? Worf, Julian, Quark, and even Benjamin; when Dax looked into the eyes of her old friends, she didn't recognize the person reflected back at her. Jadzia's memory was still fresh in everyone's hearts. Her vivacity, her beauty, her wisdom. They all had loved her and her absence had left a hole in their lives -- a hole that they seemed to expect Ezri Dax to fill. She felt unequal to the task.

"Jake, I'm not Jadzia," she whispered, her lisp growing worse.

His dark eyes softened and he took up her hand in his. "I loved Jadzia like she was… a favorite aunt. I don't feel that way about you." His thumb gently caressed the pale skin on the back of her hand. "You are Ezri; brave and funny and beautiful. I want to know more about you." An embarrassed smile touched his lips as he looked away. "I want to know all about you."

When did he get so tall? She remembered him from Curzon's perspective: a rambunctious child; then from Jadzia's: a gawky, eager youth. This could never work. Dax had watched him grow from a tiny baby, had even changed his diapers, for heaven's sake! She opened her mouth to tell him that she was too old for him, then she blinked and saw him through Ezri's young eyes…

He gazed back, an honest, sensitive, handsome man.

Confused, she stood up. Jake pulled back as if she had slapped him away. The disappointment in his face was unmistakable. He took a few steps backward, his hands raised in resignation. By the time Dax could find her voice, he was already heading for the side door.

"Jake?"

He paused, but did not turn. She moved around to peer into his face. He avoided her eyes. "If you aren't interested, you can just tell me, Ezri."

"Jake," she said softly. She felt very small next to him; the top of her head barely cleared his shoulder. She felt small… and young. "This is very strange, Jake. You'll just have to bear with me." She offered her hand. "Forgive me?"

He looked down at her, his dark eyebrows knit in confusion. Taking his hand, she laced her pale fingers in with his. She gazed at the pattern of light and dark for a few seconds, then took a deep breath and tried her best to summon Lela's confidence, Emony's grace and Jadzia's charm. "I hear the sunken gardens of Rakantha province are beautiful. Will you come see them with me, Jake?"

He gave her a cautious smile then reached out to trace the curve of her chin. "I thought you were looking forward to some peace and quiet."

Something warm in her chest fluttered pleasantly. "For some reason, being alone doesn't sound appealing anymore."

"Perhaps we can continue this interview in a more… private place?"

As they left, she caught sight of Worf down at the dabo tables and the warmth of a smile touched her lips.

Fin